Let’s start with the most mundane of questions. Are you happy? Or are you planning to be happy? If you don’t know the correct answer to these two questions, can you share when the last time you were really happy? And if all these questions are too much to handle, then maybe you are either ahead of the pursuit of happiness or behind the happiness of pursuit. The more one thinks about this subject, greater the chances of them being unhappy. Maybe that’s why it’s easy to assume that the fools sleep longer and lead more fulfilling lives. Those who have the mental faculty to go through these questions tend to often end up on the wrong side of joy. Their constant struggles with the answers—questions don’t bother them much—only lead them to a place where sorrow rules supreme.
Not to sour your experiences in life but happiness is fickle. We can’t hold onto it the way we can hold onto a tragedy. Of course, we can try our best. But sooner or later, you’ll wallow into the cave of grief for no reason apart from bad timing. Welcome to life. I knew from a very young age that I needed to be happy at whatever I do. But the problem, it made me a quitter. Instead of becoming someone who strives, I ended up quitting everything I once loved. Cricket. Poetry. Engineering. Journalism. Chess. Cinema. The list is longer but that’s alright for now. Anyhow, my conclusion is when you aren’t sure about the boundaries of happiness, you are bound to trespass into uncharted melancholy. At least that has been my case. I’d be delighted and delightful during a quiz but then as soon as the quiz ends and I am back to myself, I’d feel a familiar but gripping lowness. And instead of being grateful for the hearty moments I had with fellow participants, I’d get anxious about the next quiz. It’s fucked up. Used to feel the same way while returning home from Akshar’s place in Gurgaon. As if there is never going to be another visit. As if there is never going to be another quiz.
Happiness can’t be drawn on the x-y axis and explained in perpetuity. When you are pursuing happiness, it’s an idea. When you’ve achieved happiness, it becomes a burden. When you describe happiness, it’s an ode. All these three types are the replica of the same thing: your desire to be not sad. That’s it. One of the main reasons why people find themselves in an incurable chase is because they are addicted to that feeling. Lightness of being, if you please. You felt it at its purest form as a child. Later, during adulthood, you had fleeting moments but never fully realized it. Perhaps the trick is to rise above the H-word and seek a spot in the C-word. To the dirty minds out there, I was referring to contentment.
Since we are tackling a massive beast of a topic today, here’s something you must know: the secret of happiness. Ready? There is no such secret. All the monks and all the priests and all the scholars and all the sages and all the saints and all the prophets tried and failed miserably at cracking this code. For a very simple reason: there was no code in the first place. What makes you happy today won’t necessarily make you happy tomorrow. What made you happy yesterday doesn’t make you happy today. It’s a cycle of events and you are just a guinea pig for time. So, the question isn’t about happiness, it’s about avoiding unhappiness. On that note, I can firmly share that I may be unsure about happiness but the key to unhappiness is to constantly look for somebody to blame.
On a scale of 0 to 10, if you think you are higher than 5 when it comes to being problematic, you are pretty much in the majority. Most people aren’t seduced by solutions because they enjoy being engrossed by problems. Almost like a fucked up love story between a parasite and a host. However, if you were to induce the equation of happiness here, then things turn colourful. What is a problem without problematic folks? They compete with each other but complete each other too. Which is precisely why the problem with becoming the source of happiness in somebody else's life is that it's a full-time job. Hosted parasite.
Being sensitive can be misconstrued as weakness in some cultures but the irony is, if you can’t identify pain, you are already depleted as a person. A lion isn’t programmed to understand a giraffe’s agony. Or for that matter, a wildebeest doesn’t recognize the groans of a deer. But humans, by a flaw in design, can put their mind to acknowledging other species’ discomfort. Sometimes, I wonder whether we would be more successful at happiness if we simply upped our game at empathy. Just imagine how drastically different this world would be where everybody’s grief-o-meter is hitting north all the time. Anytime better than the indifference that we’ve appallingly normalized in the urban settings today. Maybe that world could alter our definition of existence too: your greatest purpose in life is to understand pain as accurately as you identify happiness.
There are very few things as slow but spectacular as falling out of love or losing interest in a bond. Like a spouse not finding their SO attractive anymore or a best friend getting demoted to friend—worse, just another number on the phone—or witnessing your beloved finding a new beloved. In friendship, at least there is a leeway of getting in and out. In marriage, the rules are different. If your partner isn’t interested in you anymore, chances are you will hold onto the sacred thread longer than you have to. And this societal process ends up draining you because some ships have already sailed away—or worse, drowned—and there is nothing to be done. Which could be the reason why common grounds of joy are often the greatest booster of successful marriages. In other words, find someone who can be in love with your happiness. Be the co-captain.
I totally agree with Fran Lebowitz’s fun theory: if you are doing it for fun and no other reason, then it’s absolutely fine. Don’t try to add layers to stuff that doesn’t need layering. Be lean and let the light in. Probability is in your favour: you will make it in the end. Yes, you’ll have your scars and calluses but they are there to remind you of your gorgeous journey. You may not be a warrior (most people aren’t) but you could be a survivor (most people are). And there is nothing wrong with pursuing happiness as long as you know that you are in for fun. After all, throughout your life, all you shall run after is a bit of happiness. A bit more than your share and more than your need.
Today’s measure of success is built on the platform of money/wealth (they are not the same), stature/strata (they are the same) and power/influence (they can be the same). However, if I were to revamp this system of calibration, I would ask people whether they are indeed happy. And if yes, how much? Let’s quantify that shit. In some tribal cultures, owning is equal to happiness. If I own 50 camels, I am happier than the person who owns 10. Similarly, there are cultures where my ability to give away my horses to somebody who needs them defines my happiness. The principles haven’t changed. Only the players have. Once you find happiness, try not to kidnap it. In fact, try to ride it. Whether it’s a horse or a camel.
After our weekend quizzes, we spent a few minutes talking randomly. It’s like a group therapy nobody asked for. But I insist on it because most of us are willing to bare ourselves provided the right questions are posed. If I were to ask “do you sleep well?”, you can either say yes, no or meh. But if I were to frame the question better like “do you remember your dreams on waking up?”, you’ll end up telling me how well you sleep without getting conscious. The game of conversation is based on trust. That’s about it. And since we are discussing sleep, can we please admit that when you sleep peacefully, a piece of you dies out of sheer joy? Pretty much.
Lastly, if you consider yourself a happy person, do whatever you are doing. If you think of yourself as a sad person, try to give out more. The logic behind this approach is, you can only create happiness for yourself by making others happy. Takes me back to this Holocaust story about two young Jews who somehow escaped by a train but weren’t suitably clothed for the chilly night. So, one man held the other tightly till sunrise. Their shared warmth kept each other alive. That’s how happiness works, I suppose. You can only find it in yourself and once you’ve found it, the trick is to share it with others. If you fail to do this, you won’t be promoted to the next stage of happiness. Peace of mind. Only giving can let us have it. You know what's disgusting? The notion that we are supposed to eternally seek happiness instead of peace. The notion that we deserve happiness is what ultimately leaves us sad. The truth is we deserve peace. Nothing more. Nothing less.
This needs to be framed