Please help yourself here!
All of us are in the pursuit of something — not necessarily happiness — but we are busy at it. In the 21st century lexicon, the word to…
All of us are in the pursuit of something — not necessarily happiness — but we are busy at it. In the 21st century lexicon, the word to express this ubiquitous desire is ‘goals’. Not very long ago, goals were central to auditing a performance in sports. Today, it applies to every breathing individual. What are your goals in life? A-terms like ambitions, aspirations and aptitude sound very archaic, and so deservedly going out of fashion. As an antidote to this one-size-fits-all approach in understanding human proclivities, several self-help gurus sprouted in succession over the last 20 years. Aided by the penetration of internet and later social networking sites, these folks appeared like they were trying to help others while making their target audience overlook the fact that they were primarily helping their bank accounts and klout scores.
The whole operation has been an amazing smokescreen and you can’t blame anybody in particular for perpetuating this trend. At the end of the day, we are emotional creatures with our sensitive cogs tenderly waiting to be addressed. Even the toughest person on the outside is basically a mush on the inside. And the self-help brigade have unlocked such secrets to admirable scale. Every book and demo that starts with “How to...” should alarm us and yet, it doesn’t. Rightly so. As a species, we’ve accepted the universality of knowledge as well as the uniqueness of experience. As a result, we don’t mind fattening other’s cred by playing along. What’s the harm in learning a thing or two? What’s the worse that can happen? Shouldn’t we share and learn from each other’s fountain of wisdom? Doesn’t god help those who help others?
Wait a minute.
In this spirit of self-help, let me share ways to help you lead a (more) enriching life. I have nothing to gain here except your attention and (dis)approval.
Bear with me.
If you’ve been struggling with your book that was supposed to win you the Booker back in 2012, here are ten steps to become a writer on 4th gear:
1. Stop staring out the window and write
In case you’re not able to finish your manuscript and by crazy twists of fate, are coming up with various clones of one idea — leaving you with seven equally incomplete manuscripts — here are the 5 noble steps to write a book:
1. Sit
2. Think
3. Think harder
4. Think hardest
5. Type
Are you one of those who is concerned how the world will remember you after you’re dead and dusted? First thing first, get your priorities right. What strangers think about you doesn’t matter. What strangers who are never going to meet you think about you doesn’t matter at even atomic level. Anyhow, here are the five steps to be remembered as a good person:
1. Pay taxes
2. Oppose Aadhaar
3. Support net neutrality
4. Mind your own business
5. Keep your hands to yourself
Is wrath your weak point? Have people ever said that you’ve got ‘temper’ when you wanted to hear ‘the moves’? If yes, you need to work on managing your anger. Try these three simple methods:
1. Don’t be angry
2. Repeat
3. Repeat again
Everybody has awkward moments. It could vary to different degrees but everybody firmly knows awkwardness is all about. Not all of us can say what a state-sponsored riots feel like in person but awkwardness is pretty perennial. To overcome it, presenting my six steps to be less awkward:
Disappear
Poetry touches you only if you are lucky enough. However, writing poems is a different ball game altogether. Enjoying others’ rhyme scene is easy-peasy-japanesey, especially it’s haiku. Yet, let me guide you by sharing three easy steps on how to compose a poem:
1. Think of a title
2. Think of an excellent poem
3. Think of three easier steps to compose a fucking poem
With the ongoing amount of (unregulated) vileness on Twitter and (uninterrupted) propaganda on Facebook, one thing is for sure: Instagram is not only the present but also the future. But to be an active member there, it’s necessary you brush up your photography skills. Being an award-losing hauté photographer myself, here are what I believe the ten steps to becoming a great photographer on Instagram:
Buy the latest iPhone
Seldom do I come across somebody — online or otherwise — who shares my passion for language. If I learn a new word or a phrase from you in any language, I am forever indebted to you, and I will remember to credit you for teaching me something I would have missed on otherwise. Granted that I am lingually aware and aroused, it breaks my heart to see how we don’t care about mother tongues anymore. Thanks to so-called modern parents, it’s fast becoming a fad to exempt a child from her lingual roots. In a global village, only the powerful languages (English, Mandarin, French Spanish, etc.) are to flourish. Others are supposed to die quietly. Anyway, here are the three steps to save a language:
1. Claim that you love it
2. Don’t even attempt to learn it
3. Continue claiming that you love it
I’ve said repeatedly on this blog and I am not wary of saying it again: your peace of mind is the most important thing in the whole godforsaken world. Nothing comes close. If you have a scratch or a gash, you will tend to it but the wounds of your mind will remain unnoticed and unhealed. Hence, peace of mind is the bare minimum as well as the bare maximum for our generation. And here are my three steps to attain peace of mind:
1. Find a balance
2. Maintain it
3. Don’t dare repeat
This year, I’ve promised myself that I won’t stay averse to public-speaking. If an institution of repute invites me, I will not just say yes but actually show up. On the other hand, public-speaking scares me too. I am sure I will mumble and mispronounce and digress and whatnot once I reach the lectern/stage. Yet, let me share four invaluable steps to deliver a memorable speech:
1. Bring your mouth close to the mic
2. Clear throat
3. Close your eyes
4. Weep inconsolably
Keeping up with the changed man that I am, I’ve also started engaging in arguments and discussions with never-revealed-before fervour. Earlier, I used to let idiots be idiots. Not anymore. It’s time to speak up and make a difference by changing people’s viewpoints. So, the next time you come across a situation where people are debating a contentious topic, remember these four awesome steps:
1. Ask yourself “will my words make a difference?”
2. Accept the bitter truth
3. Let silence fester
4. Don’t talk
One of the many reasons why social media is part of the problem instead of the solution is we go there not to learn but to dictate. You aren’t prepared to concede, leaving the room smaller than when you first entered it. People are so thick in their assumed characters that they are suffocating themselves with their crystallized perception. Echo chamber? No, thanks. Of course, these are my observations and like everything else, it’s a party to my individuality. That said, here are the three ways to look at anything:
1. Your way
2. My way
3. Correct way
When I was in my 20s, I slept better, earned less and thought I was doing perfectly fine. Amid my current waves of 30s, I sleep incongruously, earn better and am convinced that I’ve missed the boat. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve slept for 8 hours straight or woke up with a smile. So, based on my imitable lifestyle, here are the three steps to stay motivated in the morning:
1. Sleep
2. Sleep longer
3. Sleep longest
Funny how comparison is not one of the original cardinal sins. Nothing comes closer to ruining our now than the temptation of comparing yourself to those who don’t stand a chance against. She is more beautiful than you. He has it all whereas I am barely scraping the barrel of luck. Downsides of holding a balance that is not supposed to be weighed in the first place. That’s why let me share five steps to avoid comparisons:
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9. Don’t keep a count
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Do you ever look around in a queue and wonder how did they end up here? When you are standing in a line waiting for your turn, nobody looks like they are enjoying a prosperous life. Everybody tends to carry a face that tells you exactly what is wrong with humankind. On that note, here are the three ways to lead a prosperous life:
1. Become a positive person no matter how hard it is
2. Stay away from negative people no matter how tempting they are
3. Accept that nothing really matters
Being afraid of your troubles makes your troubles stronger than they are. In fact, they feed on our fear more than anything else. The easiest way to grow is to face your issues as soon as possible. Failing which, they will turn gangrenous. Going forward, look at your problems in these two ways:
1. As an opportunity to excel
2. As an opportunity to excuse
Being a published writer (courtesy: Unread 2020), I can tell you something others can’t. Writing is easy only as long as you are in awe of reading. The moment you stop enjoying reading, you will decline as a writer. Also, if you believe reading tweets and clicking on IG stories to cotton-pick information makes you an avid reader, please exercise these three effective methods to absorb the art of reading:
1. Logout.
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