When you meet somebody you knew once after a long gap, you notice changes even if you don’t intend to. The same thing happens when you re-watch a movie after a considerable gap. However, there are some places and things that never change. And one of them is Twitter. I’ve been here since 2008 actively and I can tell you that this place was always an open gallery for entertainment. Everything else comes secondary.
Yes, we, the so-so veterans, choose to be nostalgic about the time when we used to wish each other ‘good morning’ way past noon and took immense delight in letting each other know what we have eaten (#nowhaving), what songs we are listening to (#nowplaying), whom to follow on this amazing platform (#followfriday) and sharing #reccos on almost everything under the sky. However, under the surface, people were just people. Gossipy. Snarky. Petulant. That never changed. But then, we can’t blame anybody either. Technology and humans make intriguing bedfellows.
If you ask me, things took a turn for the worse in 2011 when the screenshot feature was introduced on Android, with 2012 featuring a flood of screenshots on the timeline. Holding people’s words against them. Just for fun. Just for malice. For all we know since, “written in stone” holds no water against this feature. In our quest to be better than others, we became more horrible with time. Although I stopped communicating in public in 2010 itself, I’ve been a keen observer of twi-behaviour (a lame word I coined a decade ago) and I’ve noted that everybody is pretty much the same here for a very simple reason: trending topics are treated as commodity and attention is the common denominator. When you are in a circus, you must expect a show.
To create a satire of sorts, I started noting down what I called Twitter’s Unwritten Rules over the years. The first installation in 2013 featured the first 96 rules, the second installation in 2017 covered from 97 to 224, the third installation picked up till 303 in 2019. What you are presently reading is the fourth installation of this very vain project conducted by yours truly.
Let’s get started so that we can reach the end sooner?
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #304: Some people will never RT you. Accept it and move on.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #305: The most complex of topics will be ridiculously simplified to fit personal assumptions and ego.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #306: You don’t have to trollerate anyone.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #307: My propaganda is better than yours.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #308: Your likes tell you where your heart is.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #309: You ought to have an opinion on everything. Sorry.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #310: Opinions are best left to the experts. And by that, I mean everybody else.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #311: Don't argue with strangers.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #312: Leave misinformation to WhatsApp.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #313: Don’t take a tweet that ends with “RT if you agree” seriously. RT if you agree.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #314: India isn't on Twitter — only a very tiny fraction of it is. The bigger picture remains hidden in the vernacular.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #315: <insert ‘sorry for being so awesome’ gif.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #316: Don't expect everyone to feel about something as much as you do. It's human nature/flaw to be selective about concerns (offline) and outrages (online).
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #317: Even when you've got nothing to say, you've something to say.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #318: This place isn't half as depressing as the real world out there.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #319: Followers come and go. Content remains.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #320: Most of our opinions are like the third page of Google search. Nobody cares.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #321: Gutter mein machhliyan nahi dikhengi.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #322: Name-calling is a lousy analogy of a fish judging a fellow fish for its dry humour.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #323: Selective outrage is the oxygen of timeline.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #324: Working on a tweet for your personal account is the most thankless job out there.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #325: If you read certain people's feed, you might get an impression that nothing, absolutely nothing, positive ever happens in the world.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #326: You are reading this because you've got nothing better to do.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #327: The level of reaching is so epic here that the train of thought doesn't even need to leave the station.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #328: Some tweets should always carry the #nofilter hashtag.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #329: If an anecdote on Twitter sounds made up, it most probably is.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #330: This is the most positive place out there. This is the most negative place out there.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #331: We have been leaving this platform since 2012 but haven’t left yet.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #332: The heartbroken poets are the most genuine ones.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #333: The hurry to declare heroes and villains is second to none here.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #334: No matter how much time you spend here, they won't give you a lifetime achievement award in the end.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #335: Elon Musk tweets for fun.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #336: There are no 'good old days' here.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #337: Absolutely anything can trend.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #338: People don't come here to learn.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #339: If you aren't paying attention, you aren't broke.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #340: New CEO, old tricks.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #341: This place is, was and will always remain an echo village.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #342: Everybody is right. Everybody is wrong. Only the trending hashtags change.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #343: There is a difference between helping and wanting to be seen helping.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #344: This place isn't for early Monday blues.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #345: This place has always been tonedeaf when it comes to opinions.
Excellent excellent!