I don’t know how many of you noticed this but I was AWOL for a bit. What people call hiatus always intrigues me because how can you really plan your life so much? Most of the time, we don’t even know what is going on. To make matters worse, we pretend like we are in control.
For instance, when I was in Mangalore—yes, I am not there anymore, more on that later—I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t been to the beach for ages. Despite living barely 5 kilometers away from the beach! The last time I visited the beach, I had no inkling that I won’t be visiting again for more than a year although I could see it from my window every single day. Maybe that’s how we humans are programmed. We take things for granted as long as we can. Inside our echoing head, the beach isn’t going to go anywhere. But the point is, I will have to go to the beach, not the other way around.
That is one part of this story.
The second part is the uncertainty of events. Ranga, our old dog, has been experiencing some ups and downs with his health. One day, he’d be fine and then, suddenly, in the middle of the night, he’d puke his guts out, leaving the room filled with that noxious stench of hopelessness. When these episodes turned repetitive, I had a strong feeling that this goodboi is on his way out. But then, he had other plans: he stopped vomitting and instead got some weird ear infection that made him shake his head frantically, as if to release a genie that is fooling around with his eardrums. Poor thing. And just when he seemed alright again, he started puking relentlessly again. Our vet would prescribe medicines that allotted very little assurance to him or to us, the pet parents. And just when he seemed normal again for a bit, he hurt his leg and was limping for days.
Long dog story short, I was (mentally) preparing for a funeral that didn’t happen. Thankfully.
The third part is the distance between choice and decision. Whenever people tell you that they didn’t have a choice, don’t trust them instantly. In any given situation, the notion of choice is a matter of circumstances. You do something and some things happens. There are consequences to our actions as well as our inactions. That is how the world rolls. I can fit this narrative in every possible scenario: what we decide becomes a function of the choice we had. When I left Gurgaon for Mangalore, I made a conscious choice to move to a smaller city, dragging myself away from the noise. Exactly three years later, I made another choice to move back to a dusty wreck of an otherwise promising city. Simply put, I decided. Whether this decision bears fruits or flops rests on me and my future but for now, I had a choice.
So, yes, in these three parts, I’ve tried to give you a hint on why I couldn’t invade your inboxes week in and week out. Although I did receive several messages and 13 mails—my favourite number but very disappointing figure, dear readers—inquiring about my absence, I am sure nothing really changes when you leave the stage. The world moves on like it always did for eras and eras (no plugging Taylor Swift).
Our place in the universe is minuscule but we wish to make it worth our while. And there is nothing wrong with such uncertainties.
WELCOME BACK!!!!
Loved seeing your email in the inbox. Your absence was very much palpable.
Missed your content terribly. At onw point I doubted if you had blocked me for whatever reasons...loll...silly overthiinking.
Happy happy to see you online.... keep them coming ..those wise cracks and the simple affirmations that give us a kickass validation.. Best wishes