Why parenthood is very difficult
I am 36 and have witnessed a fair share of life. Every passing day, I learn something new, mainly thanks to my exposure to the internet, and every day, I acknowledge the trembling fact that I know too little and I tend to assume too much. It’s human frailty to believe that we know. Fortunately, we can try to nudge ourselves out of our self-imposed prisons. Unfortunately, there is no limit to knowledge. How we attain wisdom is a different conversation altogether.
When two people hug each other and stay in that posture for a while, their heartbeats sync. At a concert, the audience members' heartbeats synchronise too. Something similar happens when you hug a horse that you’ve known and taken care of. The same pattern is replicated when women work in close proximity and their cycles sync up. We can all agree that nature is a fabulous conductor: there is a rhythm in everything around us. All we got to do is, sorry for the poetic cliché, stop and stare. Once we’ve cracked this code, nothing can deter us from living to our fullest.
We live in the era of over-information and beneath-agreement. There is so much data to procure and yet, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to get people to unanimously agree upon any subject. Even the so-called cliques and cabals have their internecine squabbles on varied topics. Very interesting paradox. Just go to Twitter/Reddit/Clubhouse/Discord/Etc. and you’d notice how people are all over the place with (borrowed) ideas and (shared) thoughts. Originality? What’s that? Stuck in such a quagmire, it’s worth pointing out that language is the height of consensus. When you and I both agree that west is called paschim (in Hindi) and baraat (in Bahasa), we are displaying agreement of the highest order. Nothing else comes close.
All those who think marriage is a smooth ride comprising only two individuals who care about each other are sorely mistaken. Marriage is, for lack of benign terms, very political by design. While the distance between like and love might be a long one, the space between love and marriage is quickly occupied by pragmatism. In a marriage, equations have weightage, and relationships—extended by in-laws and friends and neighbours—demand time and effort. There is a juggling show and you are the one juggling along but not all alone though. Your spouse is doing the same, with their set of compromises, learnings and suggestions.
When you are solving a problem, it’s much easier to solve something consistent. If the problem keeps shifting shapes, things can be more difficult than they have to be. Take for instance, most of the problems associated with the IT world are a function of constant change. Updates, updates, updates. On the other side of the spectrum, we have urban problems in bewildering countries like India. Here, the problems are so consistent that they don’t inspire solutions. Be it the monsoon waterlogging in Gurgaon or the ceaseless constructions in Mumbai or the bureaucratic queues in sarkari offices. Those responsible for solving them have created a can’t-live-without-them situation for the rest of us.
You must be familiar with the adage that if you ignore the problem long enough, the problem disappears. For instance, a jaywalking pedestrian who refuses to look at the incoming car on the road. He refuses to look at his problem. Well, it doesn’t work that way. More often than not, the problem with this approach is you become the problem. Our purpose in life, be it professional sphere or personal, is to reduce problems as much as possible. We are supposed to make life an easier pursuit for ourselves as well as others. We shouldn’t be that jerk who walks merrily on a busy road, endangering others. Also, fuck you.
So far, the closest I’ve gotten to parenthood is taking care of my ageing dog and being responsible for over 50 plants. Yet, I know that parenthood is very difficult. This bittersweet conclusion is not based on my observation of (relatively young) parents around me. No, that’s not the source of my conclusion: I look at the kids and I mostly notice the clear gap in nurture. Most of the grownups don’t understand the damage they do by imposing their worldview on their young wards, when the exact opposite carries the base for solid childhood. Children are meant to be told that there are endless possibilities for everything under the sky. And it’s not easy. And that’s why parenthood is very difficult. And that’s also the reason why most parents fail.
Remember when being woke used to be a cool thing? Or how electric cars were supposed to upend the evil of CO2? Or how Obama seemed like the answer to every problem on earth? Or how imitating the socialism of Venezuela was the foolproof answer to economics? Or how Ellen DeGeneres smiled like an angel on TV? Or how social media would launch many Arab Springs, if need be? Well, time has taught us that we were mistaken as usual. There are no absolutes in this world because we don’t live in a unidimensional simulation. People are bound to disappoint and everybody is going to get hurt, and later, healed. So, whatever be the scenario, it’s absolutely fine.
There are two demographics that I enjoy conversing the most with: toddlers who are amazed by their ability to string words and wrinklers who are waiting to die on the first flight out. Both these sets of folks are bereft of pretensions. They say what has to be said, not what they are expected to say. I was apparently a quiet kid but I am sure that in my ripe age, if I reach there, I would be marked by quotable quotes. Promise.